English: There, here and over there. Basically, in a sense, to mean restless. A collection of thoughts, musings and ramblings...

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

Deputy Chief Minister clears the air on date of country’s nationhood

Finally! It has become a source of irritation for me everytime I hear it announced that we (Malaysia) is celebrating 53 years of nationhood. No, it wasn't a nation yet 53 years ago! People should stop jumping the gun and accept the facts, not glorify something that isn't. Deputy Chief Minister clears the air on date of country’s nationhood


I have a dream...

A nice house, with a big kitchen, and a loving family. That is usually the theme of one of my biggest and most cherished dreams. Why a big kitchen? I don't know actually, but I do know that a small kitchen is a pain in the neck (literally, when you are trying to chop pieces of food on limited available surfaces). I love visiting showrooms of mock kitchens. And second, the bedrooms. I have a wonderful picture in my head of how my ideal kitchen would look like. Definitely well organised with ample storage space. And wide, with a breakfast table / island in the middle. Best of all is the large windows with sunshine pouring through (maybe a little crazy, since it is a hot country here :-p)

All I know is that dream of a happy home has come and gone several times. And maybe one too many times. In my first relationship, I always had the vision that one day, it will all be good. That we would finally make some money and build our dream home. And maybe, just maybe 'he' will grow up and change for the better. But I know now that it was an impossible dream. Yes, maybe if I worked hard enough, I would probably have that dream home, but it would be my hard work alone, and without the dream man to share it with. Just like with everything else that we supposedly 'shared' between us. Like parenthood, for example. I sure don't see his share from day 1. Everything is a woman's job, even if we worked just as hard, or even harder than the so-called man. I believe in sharing and teamwork, I wanted to be respected and acknowledged that I deserved more than being a housewife, but he didn't share my sentiment.

The future seemed so much brighter for my dream when the next guy came along one fine day while I was not looking. We were from 2 different continents altogether, 2 different timezones and thousands of miles apart, yet we connected so well (all thanks to the power of the internet). We spent hours and hours envisioning our future together. I thought I found my soulmate. When I look back now, we had so many unfulfilled plans. We kept thinking, 'next year / in 2 years time we will move and build our dream lives together in Oz'. That was our shared belief and we were working towards that. I remember what an almost sure possibility it was for me, that I did not foresee living in my own country for the next few years. Any possible plans locally were always answered with 'I won't be here / I will be moving soon'. When we realised that the dream was never going to be a reality, it was like my whole world had crumbled. I had to rebuild my thoughts around 'yes, I am going to be here for awhile'. And so, for a while, my thoughts of a dream house faded away into the background while my broken heart mended.

And now it seems like the same sort of scenario has emerged once again. Great promises of love and happiness, but all this in a distant land. It would involve a huge sacrifice on my part, leaving my family, friends and a life that I know, and into the great Unknown. To me, the future prospects seem a little too bleak, all I see in my head is of darkness and loneliness. Maybe I am remembering how my whole world fell apart with my last relationship where everything seemed so good, yet.......... Maybe it is the whole sacrifice thing. In my last relationship, at least we were going to live in a place we mutually fell in love with. And that we could be open about our relationship with everybody else.

So, the dream of the beautiful house with the beautiful kitchen and loving family still remains a little shaky. It hasn't quite yet dawned on me about what I should do.

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