English: There, here and over there. Basically, in a sense, to mean restless. A collection of thoughts, musings and ramblings...

Sunday, July 28, 2013

The choice of ordinary and less ordinary

I was having a lazy Sunday morning, lying in bed at 10am and still in my pajamas -  jabbing and swiping a finger furiously at my phone.  Aligning candies, smashing chocolate, crushing jellies in the virtual world of Candy Crush.  With one eye shut & no glasses, a feat for one who is very short sighted. It felt like the best Sunday ever, to loll around and do absolutely nothing constructive.

Conversations from the previous day start floating in my head - of how I planned to leave sometime next year. 4 months…. 1 whole year the most, if my wildest fantasies came true. My time was running out, and I felt the need to grab all the opportunities that I could, while I still can.

Except that I suddenly felt a stab of unfamiliar fear - that I would never live the ‘ordinary life’. At many points of my life, I crave to be ‘normal’.

Normal? What is normal?

It is not a word that I could define myself with much. In a little more than 3 weeks, I would be turning 34, but already a single mother of a 14 year old. I am qualified to be some high-flying accountant for a big corporation, yet here I am, still at the stage of carving a new career path. Most days I am just scraping at the bottom of my purse, when other people my age are buying branded everything. I am planning for something that will define the next 2 years of my life. By then I would be 36. Then what?

The normal or ordinary life would be the straight path so different from mine. From the age of 19, I was already screwed for anything even remotely ‘ordinary’.

Maybe it is the recurring dream for years that I have of a baby son that I apparently will never have. I don’t know why, but sometimes he appears in my dreams. And those days I used to spend in IKEA, dreaming of a home I would one day build, for a ‘real family’.

I guess I fear that I wouldn’t have time for any of that. For me, it was a crossroad – I either take one path or the other.

But then I remembered Sheryl Sandberg, COO of Facebook, and what she spoke about ‘Leaning In’. This is exactly what she meant when she talked about how women lean back from achieving their full potential for a future they aren’t even sure of yet. They make plans for a family, when there isn’t even a sight of Mr Right in the horizon. Not even the distinct possibility of having a fairytale romance just yet.

I may never know how it will be to lead the perfect life, and I yearn for it. But it shouldn’t stop me from living my full potential.

In time, all the good things will come.

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